Told a tight dress is what makes you a…
Okay, so if you haven’t heard the Billie Ellish song
idontwanttobeyouanymore you should stop what you’re doing and look up the lyrics and watch the video at the same time and hopefully this post will start to make a little more sense… or at least the title…
To me, it’s a really pretty song about how being yourself is more important than being “what society thinks you are”. So maybe try to listen to it with an open mind?
I am polyamarous. This is a big girl word that means I (and the partners in my life) believe that it’s possible to love more than one person romantically.
Hence the term poly (more than one) amarous (love).
I imagine it’s similar to the feeling of loving more than one kid, but I don’t have kids so I don’t know.
But to be honest, I don’t see why falling in love with one person necessarily implies an inability to fall in love with another person?
To use white-bro terms: The engineer inside of me can’t quite grok why you would only entertain the idea of loving one person.
I learned the hard way that polyamory is an important part of who I am as a person…
Now you might be thinking that polyamory is another way of saying ethical cheating, but to be completely honest all of my partners are almost certainly reading this, and probably feel a general sense of joy by reading it.
So I have been focusing on developing a handful of relationships recently. Now that I finally have some room to breath in my career, it just made sense to spend some time working on things that make me happy.
So I put a lot of thought into this….
So two weeks ago one of my partners… let’s call her
p bought me a collar.
It’s a leather collar with red vinyl attached to the front, and stainless steel rings. It makes a noise when I walk.
I have secretly wanted one for a long time, and thanks to my badass partner (let’s call her
h) I finally had the courage to let
p buy one for me. What’s even more important is that my big-girl partner (let’s call them
c) thought the idea was great.
So yeah – not the most conventional form of showing connection to another human, or set of humans rather. But like… wedding rings are also a bit odd if you think about it. Besides, I can’t wear a ring on my finger because nerve damage from my accident on Tahoma.
- I remember Charlie.
- There is a small part of me that feels like I could have detected his heart condition earlier if I would have focused more on him and less on mountains and work/tech.
- When I walk it sound likes him, and it’s a constant reminder to spend time loving the people in my life. Life is about balance, and I need to remember to forget my anxiety and connect with my people.
- I remember restraint.
- If the suicide attempts in my mid-twenties weren’t enough, I genuinely should have died on Liberty Ridge. The fact that I didn’t fall off onto the glacier is absurd. I need to restrain myself because the world around me cares about me now. I can’t leave my partners.
- I remember I matter.
- This probably sounds stupid, but my collar has become a constant reminder that I am valued.
- I remember that I love myself, I remember that
pall love me… as well as many others… cough cough
- I remember that life is short.
- My entire life my father yelled at me and told me I was stupid. He forced me to believe that how others viewed me was how I should measure myself.
- I remember to be happy.
- Bottom line, it makes me happy. That should be enough.
Here is where things get super fucked…
I haven’t mentioned sex once.
If we are thinking sex… maybe that says something…?
Ultimately I just want to be happy, and do what makes me happy.
There are an enormous number of others who also empathize with this feeling of dramatically being yourself. This is literally my personal brand, and one of the secrets to building successful software.
The times when everyone is laughing in your face because they are scared, are the times when you know you have a brilliant idea.
My pursuit to happiness in my life, shouldn’t change anything.
My software still sucks.
My books are still too high level.
My contributions are still meaningless.
My presentations are still confusing.
But hey… I am going to start wearing a collar while neglecting to make an impact…
Big fucking deal right?
So yeah… I’m going to wear my collar every day.
It’s a part of who I am, and makes me feel safe and happy.
Big fucking deal right?
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