This shit again

Hi

 

It’s been a long time since I have blogged here – or more specifically – a long time since I blogged about one of my favorite topics

 

fear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Without going into too much detail, recently some news came out – about a law – that if passed – would hurt me.

The thought of being hurt legally – for being transgender – is terrifying.

 

I just want to be normal.

 

I want to pay normal people taxes.

 

I want to go to work every morning on the bus with all the normal people.

 

I want to do my job, and maybe help others along the way.

 

I want to pay normal people sales tax.

 

I want to have normal people interest rates on my credit cards.

 

I want a normal person mortgage.

 

I want to shop at costco with the other normal people.

 

I want to get my oil changed like the normal people.

 

I want to be happy just like the normal people.

 

 

 

 

 

A doctor in Texas called me a word a few minutes after I was born.

 

 

 

 

 

Male.

 

 

 

It turns out – no matter how bad I wanted to be a male – I wasn’t

Trust me – I fucking tried – really hard

 

I tried to be a normal male.

 

I paid taxes.

 

I went to work.

 

I rode the bus.

 

I did my job, and tried to help others along the way.

 

I paid sales tax.

 

I had terrible interest rates on my credit cards.

 

I had a shitty mortgage.

 

I shopped at costco.

 

I changed my oil often.

 

But I was sad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was so sad..

that I killing myself..

..seemed better than living

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day, I figured out that I had a chance to live

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All I had to do…

was ignore what my parents said

ignore what my teachers said

ignore what my friends said

ignore what my colleagues said

and ignore all the people laughing at me

and ignore the humiliation

and ignore the feeling of doing the most embarrassing and shameful thing I could think of

and ignore the knowledge that I would never look pretty

and ignore the knowledge that there were irreversible changes I could never fix

and be myself.

…my horribly ugly self.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4 years later

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What once was a life hanging on by thread

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Has grown

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…and prospered

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…and actually makes me happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today was the first day since I tried to kill myself 4 years ago,

that I wondered if suicide would be easier than a lifetime in a world like the one I used to be in

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t want to hurt anyone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just want to be normal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just want a chance to live in the same beautifully shitty world all the normal people live in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m transgender.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love my life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

please don’t take it from me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just only recently found it , you see

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…it’s all I have left…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

Note: Yes I am 100% fine – I blog about sad things – and I get sad – don’t like it – don’t read it.

Note 2: Reaching out to me and saying things like “I am here for you” is a sure fire way to piss me off. If you’re reading my blog – thats on you – I don’t write this shit for you. I write it for me. This isn’t a cry for help. This is the closest thing I have to therapy as a busy career woman. I actually feel much better after writing this. So it worked.

Note 3: If you still think it’s a good idea to try and “comfort” me or respond in any way. You should instead consider fucking off and minding your own business.

 

 

730 total views, 2 views today

3 Comments

  1. Adrianne

    October 23, 2018 at 04:35

    I’m glad I could read this. Thank you for sharing.

  2. Just another person

    October 24, 2018 at 20:01

    You seem very troubled and I truly hope you get the help you need. Suicidal thoughts are not healthy. You say you love your life, but yet contemplate ending it. You are a beautiful soul and the light and positive influences you can have on others should never be extinguished. Good luck in all your endeavors.

  3. Katie Walker

    October 25, 2018 at 01:48

    How do I do thumbs up? Lol

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