I’m still afraid
I am afraid..
I really fucking am…
Life is fucking scary bro…
I am so afraid of feeling lost.
I am scared of making bad decisions.
I am scared to stand up for myself.
I am worried that I might be wrong.
I am fearful that I will do or say something that is completely fucking ridiculous and embarrassing.
Not a day goes by where I don’t do or say something completely outrageous and embarrassing.
I constantly call people the wrong names.
I completely goof up people’s gender pronouns (for reasons that nobody else would ever understand).
I stutter. I slur my speech. I use the wrong words.
I spend countless waking hours beating myself up for it.
I spend more time beating myself up in the bathroom than people want to know about.
I then usually question my right to be in the bathroom at all. I still wonder if using the women’s room is actually normal or not.
I sometimes wonder which bathroom I should use to go have a mental breakdown in.
My anxiety rarely drops below the “HOLY FUCK” rating.
I sometimes catch myself daydreaming. Just politely wondering off into the mental abyss about a world where I just can be a normal person.
I feel like I get pegged a lot for being cocky, or angry, or aggressive. I really wish I wasn’t like this. I just struggle so much to hide the things that scare me, that sometimes they kind of come out in really awkward ways.
I’m so sorry if I was ever like that around you..
I work hard on it every day, and I have gotten much better over the past few years. But I still just lack the basic ability to just sit, and kind of be okay with myself. It’s a weird thing, that I don’t think many people struggle with. But actually sitting down.
And shutting the fuck up.
Is extremely hard for me.
My brain starts to go into this crazy recursive overload pattern where I start to worry.. and then I start to worry about how much I am worrying.. and so on.
I am scared shitless, I can come off crude, cold or angry, I apparently lack the ability to sit quietly on the couch, and am one of the most socially awkward people you will ever meet..
But that’s me..
And I am completely OKAY with that..
..because I am trying to get better.
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