Anxiety Update 1
So yesterday while spending some time in downtown Manhattan New York I had a fairly normal day (well for me anyway). I was hanging out at GothamGo with all of my best friends in the Go community.
The thing most people didn’t realize was that I was silently having an anxiety attack in various parts throughout the day. The good news is, because I was with awesome people it really was manageable.
I am usually pretty good at bull-shitting my way through an anxiety attack, but afterwords I always feel like such a terrible person. I also usually spend time highlighting my stressors per my therapist’s suggestion.
This time, I will highlight them publicly in this blog.
Most of these are NOT rational. I know that. Telling me to simply NOT worry about them will just hurt me.
If you want to help, just empathize and say you love me.
Or, do nothing.
I showed up to the airport (early as usual) to leave from Denver to JFK. Abut 5 minutes from finishing my hour long drive to the airport I realized I left my passport in my study. I would be needing that for my next flight from JFK to London. My Lyft driver was kind enough to drive me back to get my passport. This is where anxiety started.
I was climbing Rainier the week before my trip to NYC and then later Europe (the trip I am on now).
I thought about my talk, but didn’t have my slides done. I knew exactly what I was going to say, but I needed to get something for the screen.
I literally made my slides the night before my talk in my hotel, alone.
I never showed them to anyone until the day of my talk, and just had to trust myself to make a talk worth watching.
There is no easy way to put this, so I am just going to share what it’s like being a transwoman.
I still shave my face.
I have had over 20 laser hair removals (IPL and electrolysis) and at least my full beard is gone.. but there are a ton of light/blonde/white color hairs left. If I don’t shave them I look like a goat.
No idea what happened here, but my makeup brushes just up and left my makeup bag from my last trip. I am such an idiot I probably left them on the counter.
It sounds stupid if you don’t deal with makeup but let me explain what actually happened here.
- I forgot something. The fact that it involves makeup doesn’t really matter.
- I started beating myself up because I forgot something.
- Looking at replacing something takes two things. Time, and Money. Dealing with either of those causes most people stress.
There is about another 10 things to add to that list.
My notifications today have literally exploded, and I am still trying to get out the door.
I love everyone, and wasn’t trying to bitch too terribly much. Life is freaking great, and I am so happy to be here and alive to experience this.
I am going to go watch some Go talks and explore downtown New York.
Love love love
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