Another year and I’m still afraid
So I have done this the past few years, but feel like I could be a bit more open with it this year.
I am sitting around in Iceland with my partner Callie, drinking cheap Pinot Grigio and eating leftover lobster pizza. We only have about 5 hours of daylight, so it’s always unclear if it’s morning or evening outside. The only clues we have are that the winds get louder, and the birds stop chirping.
So looking back at 2018 I would like to call out some of my regrets, some of my disappointing moments, some of my fear, and pride. This year has honestly fucked me up more than any other year.
Finally, let’s get scrappy with my outrageous 2019 dreams…
This was a hard year for me and figuring out love and myself. I know I hurt people along the way, and there is a very special woman in general that I regret hurting the most. I wish I would have made things better for both of us. But more importantly regret not giving her the attention and the story she deserved. She was beyond special, and to be honest I miss her. I hope one day we have happy stories that we can share on this website and all the social things.
I still feel overweight. I should be watching my diet more. I was able to stay vegetarian/plant focused for a decent majority of the year, but I lost it in the final months. I really want to start focusing on my diet again.
I really screwed up my tax return from 2017 and continued to blow it off with the help of a very expensive attorney in 2018. I was hoping to have it resolved and squeak by in 2018 but the government shutdown had other plans.
Which brings me to my next regret, not encouraging my friends to vote enough!
But the biggest regret I have from 2018…
The biggest thing I wish I could change…
I shouldn’t have accepted the job at Microsoft.
Seriously, that job hurt me almost as much as my transition.
In fact, I still have an attorney working on a case from my wimpy 6 months at the company.
That job hurt me, caused me more stress, and was the worst idea I had in 2018. I regret working there, and wish I could take it back. The worst part? I knew this would happen. I knew in my heart how evil it would be, and sure enough… it was… maybe even worse.
My biggest disappointment is the fact that I am constantly disappointed with myself. No matter what I do I always still fall asleep every night feeling like an idiot and like a failure. Every once in a while I mess up… and I really am hard on myself.
Accidentally letting my dude voice out.
Forgetting to stand up straight and push my shoulders back.
Forgetting my meds or passing out because I took too many. (Yes I literally passed out at work this year because I am so careless.)
Maybe I let my aspie side show and get frustrated with someone? Maybe I write bad code and somebody notices? Maybe I get lost in my head? Maybe I am angry because of gender woes?
The list goes on and on… but every day I somehow manage to find a catastrophic way I fucked up.
I am disappointed in how often this happens.
Also breaking my hand wasn’t the highlight of my year. I have never felt shame like I did when I had to click the SOS button on my Garmin for an emergency rescue. I am disappointed how careless I was, and how unthoughtful that was to my loved ones.
It was a careless error, and all my training told me not to climb higher on the ridge. I was mountain drunk and the lust of the summit overtook my ability to reason. I am disappointed that I was so weak and let my desire outweigh my safety.
I never want to do that to my loved ones again.
Okay shits about to get real.
I honestly didn’t think I could live without Charlie.
He was my best friend and the only friend I had when I moved to Seattle. He came with me everywhere and even now to this day I get scared going to sleep every night without him there to protect me. I am tearing up just thinking about how much I miss him and how proud of him I am. Every time I look at your volcano I think of you bear dog.
I love you more than anyone or anything else. You were my partner.
You are mountains. I only cry for you.
I am never afraid of mountains, I just have learned to respect them more.
My alpinism has grown insanely stronger in 2018, and I am grateful for the outlet. I really found myself, and my tattoos show my lessons learned.
I’ve never been afraid of a mountain.
I always just get more excited and more adrenaline. I close my eyes, and breath deep, and I know I am alive.
I literally trip on mountains.
My world changes. My brain changes. My heart changes. Everything stops existing. It’s me, and a mountain. That is comforting, that has never scared me.
However, being alone always scares me.
In 2018 my very longtime climbing partner Callie finally agreed to go on a date with me. Callie explained they were asexual and that sex would never be a part of our relationship.
That honestly was a bit relieving.
I realized I could fall in love with my best friend, and trusted climbing partner, and still hold on to the isolated “Nova” I fell in love with.
We talked about polyamory and both realized we have been waiting for each other our entire lives. I finally found the person who will hold me when I am sad, and still lead a climb.
Furthermore Callie has helped me with all my other relationships. Let’s just say… 2018 turned out to be a very exciting year for me and other partners.
This year I realized a very special little girl who I have known for some time stood out more than others. Honestly, I have slowly fallen in love with her. This is a quite a bit different than my other partners but who fucking cares right? She makes me happy.
We make a very happy and healthy team, and furthermore we push each other to be the best we can be. I feel lucky to have her in my life. I am quite proud of the relationship we built together. I am even prouder to support her however I can. It’s just all around good girls, what can I say?
In 2018 I went on roughly 36 mountain climbing adventures. That is almost 1/10 days and roughly 10% of my year.
I can’t wait to slice my balls off…
oh.. found my first regret of 2019…
not being awake to watch the scalpel pierce the skin…
fuck I am drooling.. the scars… the blood… the surgery… oh yeah…
There are a lot of feelings baked into this decision and I promise I will blog about them and probably have surgery pictures. Sorry not sorry.
Oh also I plan on getting breast implants in Feb. I am not scared of the surgery, as much as I am scared of the conversations at the office that will follow.
So I want to teach myself Icelandic… yes I mean this sincerely. I have already started.
I don’t want to go to a class, I want to figure out a way to engineer the language and teach myself how to read/write/speak/hear Icelandic. I have always dreamed of speaking two or more languages fluently and this is the year I want to tackle possibly one of the hardest languages in the world to learn. Hell yeah.
I want to climb Liberty Ridge.
Yes, this is the route that almost killed me.
Yes, I know the dangers.
Yes, I still want to climb it.
Yes, I will attempt it in 2019.
So this is a ski-bro knock off, but I really want to go ice climbing 12 months out of the year. In Washington we have permanent ice (or at least for a while…) and I would like to make it a point to go Ice Climbing 12 months out of the year. This is a knock off of “turns all year” where ski bros like to go skiing all 12 months of the year.
I want to lose fat.
No, not weight… I just want to lose fat. I need to focus on my diet more and keep up my exercise.
Nuff said.. once I am back in Seattle it’s plants plants plants.. enough of the fried food and laziness.
We all know how much I hate myself, but this time I want to write a new technical book where I am the only author. I really want to put myself out there, and I really want to stretch my comfort levels with authoring a meaningful technical book.
I want to write a small book about my life and have it published outside of tech.
Maybe a small coffee reader, or a fun journal… but I have had a lot of shit happen to me… and am somewhat reasonable about explaining the world. I think folks might enjoy this. It’s a stretch goal, but it’s a goal.
This should be NBD
Fuck you 2018.
No seriously… FUCK you…
Come at me 2019, I am going to make you my bitch.
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